I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
