He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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