No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
