the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
