I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My hand turned me down
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
