New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize