We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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