First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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