is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
