Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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