Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
