last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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