I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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