I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
