I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
