How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
