I'm jealous of your bromance
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
