I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
