I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
