living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
