fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
