hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
