Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
