She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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