Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
