For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
