i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
