Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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