So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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