i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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