Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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