I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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