I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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