I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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