My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
