Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
