Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize