five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
