Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
