Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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