Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
