I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
