Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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