Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
