My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
