Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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