i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
bring money and cleavage
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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