are you still at the devil's house?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I need a burrito and a hug.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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