I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
