I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize