I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
