Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My ass is underappreciated
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
