Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
