We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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