Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
