am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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