My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
