The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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