I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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