I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
