I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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