would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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