You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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