I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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