not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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